Her Memory of You
Do you remember that moment we shared long ago, when the wind carried us away and the warmth from the sun touched our skin, the fragrance from the flowers in bloom filled the air? You and I twirled like the bees buzzing in our hair. Our laughs harmonized with the songs of the birds, we became intertwined in-between the purest silk and cotton. The birds were singing loud, singing the song of life. Half of our bodies were buried beneath the tall stems of nature’s grass. I expected the earth’s surface to prick our feet but our smiles never seemed to disappear. We were lost in this moment--the only one that we would ever share.
Has he forgotten that she is the only one that suffers for her selfish crimes, this is her burden, this is her knife? Not once did he ever try to understand, and now she tries to tell a million other souls to make up for the one thing he never did…why didn’t he ever ask, if she was ok?
We shared similar smiles, your lips were pouty and a perfect shade of pink, your teeth were glowing pearl-white and our eyes were shaped a similar almond. I could see our reflection in your eyes, they were a soft brown and neon green. Your eyelashes resembled dark chocolate, they were rich, and thick with a natural oil that shined in the gleaming of the sun. Your hair laid soft around you face, and fell below your ears, in the perfect set of barrel curls, that bounced with each laugh. As the sun kissed your skin it gave off the perfect glow of copper, shimmering like the most perfect diamond, you were flawless.
Will he ever understand the pain that comes with that image, the sorrow that fills her soul? Who said not to live in regret, why was this said, does regret cause sorrows? This was her only regret, her only pain. This was her death. All the times he would tell her to get over it, go see a doctor, get some help, let it go, time to move on, all those moments he was just slowly helping her relive the pain. The bed, the bright lights up above, the Dr. telling her to count backwards, to wake-up only to find herself in intolerable pain and discomfort, so much pain - - so many cramps, leaving her with a constant feeling of nausea, leaving her with the constant guilt.
There were so many unanswered questions. My heart can’t hear the beating with all the noise from my brain. I want to believe you're okay, I want to feel the closeness we felt those three short months.
This is the way their intimacy ended when she was only 16, she know longer desired his touch, she despised him almost more than she had despised herself. She thought the older they got the better things would become, over time she would eventually let it go, find happiness, forget; but it never went away, and he still ridicules her about it, this very day. If she could just forget, she would, why in the Hell would she hang on to such a tragedy, why would she want to remember that pain?
Saying good-bye was hard, I don't remember exactly how it went, but I remember my spring-summer turned to a dark, cloudy, overcast day. I wanted to hold you forever but the cold winds were ripping us apart, our hair pulled in different directions along with the silk fabric that once brought us together. The flowers were violently ripped off their stems and thunder killed the songs of the birds. Water rushed down my face often catching onto your cheek, the gods were angry, showering us with their pain, I could no longer hang on before you were ripped from my body, I had no control. I was alone, left in the dark.
Do you remember being sad after the death of your relatives, this is a different kind of feeling, this pain is closer to your heart. This is how it feels to lose your unborn child. To not have a choice or maybe that was the real problem, because somebody gave you a choice.
He’ll never know only because he doesn't ask, he doesn’t care; well this is what she assumes. She only assumes because she doesn't dare to bring this up around him for the fear of what he may say, the harsh comments that come out of his mouth concerning this. He wonders why she hates him so much but how is it possible for one to love another when she doesn’t love herself? The only emotions ever felt from him about this situation were dark, she wanted to free this darkness but had nobody to listen, she wanted to escape this loneliness but somehow got trapped, she wanted to cry but wasn’t allowed.
You can relate to how she feels, the feelings that come over you after a storm, like life as you knew it has been washed away; a sudden blow to your head, like you have been hit so hard and you can’t seem to find your balance.
I held you close knowing in my heart that I would never really be able to hold you. I grasped this moment and forever stored it my heart, in my library of pain and sorrow. A bittersweet memory that takes control of my every sense, the image of you stays fresh in my mind. But my image does not age therefore I grow curious. Where are you now, are you ok?
Then you are left with the guilt, guilt of not being able to hold on, and burdened with the pain of not being able to let go. Have you ever felt that way, it hurts, almost to the point of intolerable pain and discomfort, especially if you are like her and you have to face it all alone. Is that why you are strong, why you are able to survive, why you understand, why you cry, why you see how beautiful everything was, why you can relate to the pain of another, because you too have faced it all alone? You understand what its like to not be given a choice or to be given that choice that destroyed everything you once loved.
You were gone along with the sunlight, the flowers, the life that was shared between us. You were no longer. Two heartbeats once were heard, now one just beats slowly. This was our hello and this was our goodbye, this is my only memory of you.
