The Battle Within
I guess she had woken up and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror and noticed an inflamed purple ring around her left eye. My mother, an eye specialist, said she could have gone blind, there were many visible signs of iritis. She claims to be 5’3” but she only 5’2” she an addict and is also bulimic, causing her build to be frail and malnourished. She lacks exercise and probably spends five out of seven days in bed, due to fibromyalgia, that could be an extreme exaggeration but she does a lot in extremity. She relapsed.
“I knew I had to change my life. But addiction is a fucking tricky thing. I think I relapsed within … three weeks? And within a month it had ramped right back to where it was before. That’s what really freaked me out. That’s when I knew: either get help, or I am going to die. As a father, I want to be here for things. I don’t want to miss anything else” (Eminem).
The last seven years, almost eight have been a complete disaster; numerous infractions with the law and trips to the ER, major legal consequences and jail threats. She says, she is FINE, ‘Fucked-Insecure-Neurotic-Emotinal,’ this is probably the only thing she has said honestly in a while.
On two separate occasions she was able to carry two-full-term healthy newborns. I was afraid my niece would be an innocent victim of FAE or FASD, “FASD can occur anytime a pregnant woman drinks alcohol”(Alcohol and Pregnancy). Anytime, anytime is so vague. There were too many occasions that you could smell the liquor on her breath, but you would never dare say anything because you were too afraid.
When a close family member or friend has the multiple symptoms of alcoholism do you intervene, wait for them to ask, or simply watch them die. This time around if she isn’t going to ask for help, I have no other choice but to step back and watch her die. The more AA meetings you attend the more the information becomes familiar, rather fact or opinion, it is believed by these members, that the ‘there are only two outcomes for an addict, sobriety or death.’ She hasn’t chosen sobriety so I am forced to watch her die.
She is in denial, which is just another symptom. In AA meetings they tell you, one is too many and a thousand isn’t enough. This is apparently what had happened to her the night she got a black eye. She woke up and noticed it, she doesn’t have any recollection of the event. She is a ‘black-out’ drinker except she doesn’t fall asleep, she gets shark eyes and continues to drink more, she is almost demonic, you can feel the emptiness of her soul, her expressions are blank, and she becomes possessed, she becomes a stranger.
During one of my sleepless nights, I was searching the web for signs of an alcoholic, and stumbled upon a list of symptoms, I highlighted the ones she posses.
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Feel a strong need or compulsion to drink,
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Develop a tolerance to alcohol so that you need more,
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Experience physical withdrawal symptoms,
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Have legal problems or problems with relationships,
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Loose interest in activities, etc…
(HelpGuide.Org).
We are Native American, we have been blessed with the burden of addiction. As a child growing up around severe alcoholism, you either develop a passion or despise the aromas of the barley, wheat, and whey. Her and I lived on the reservation every summer, maybe it was these short three-months once a year that we would forever instill the images of drunken natives passed out on the floors, screaming at young children, and fighting till the death, in our minds to haunt us as we grew. I heard someone once say that they were, “Drunker than ten Indians,” I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle, knowing that I would be able to drink that person to his death. “Almost 12 percent of the deaths among Native Americans and Alaska Natives are alcohol-related — more than three times the percentage in the general population, a new federal report says” (NBC News). My grandma had nine children, four out of nine have died in relations strictly caused by alcoholism.
Our tribe holds the annual POW WOW, a ceremony of native dancers, music, food, and crafts. The announcer speaking took a moment to talk about sobriety. Instantly my attention was his. Sobriety isn’t usually a topic that is discussed freely amongst the reservation, most likely because everyone is dealing with alcoholism and nobody is comfortable confronting one another.
The announcer was an elder he had a large belly, his skin was deep red, his voice was low and powerful with a thick native accent. He went on to tell a story. Although I don’t remember it verbatim, I am positive I was able to get the gist of what he was saying, “The white man cursed us when they gave us firewater-poison.” He went on to explain the trials of sobriety and wanted to celebrate sobriety in a song and dance. The drummers began to beat there drums, high pitched scream-like sounds rose above the heavy beat and people, sober people, gathered in a circle and began to hold hands and walk together in a clockwise directions. These people were old and young, one day, I thought, maybe one day her and I can join hands in that circle.
Is truth to that story, I like to think so? Donovan Antelope, a spokesman for the Northern Arapaho Tribe, said, “Alcoholism has been a problem for more than a century with many indians” (NBC-News). A century, one-hundred years we have had to deal with this curse. I have seen so many people poisoned, possessed, and addicted to the drug. My father was an addicted near to forty years of his life, he has been sober for five years in January, this is the month he will also be turning 55 years-old.
I was sitting in the waiting room of this small clinic the other day, waiting to pay a bill from 8-months ago, and I noticed a sign I had never noticed before, it read, “Do you or some you know drink more than four liquor drinks a day?” She doesn’t drink this a day, but when she does drink she catches up on the missed days all in one sitting…I wonder what this means? What does it take to be considered an alcoholic, how would one be able to notice that they had a problem? According to the (Facts and Statistics); “…drinking 5 or more alcoholic drinks on the same occasion on at least 1 day in the past 30 days, engaged in heavy drinking in the past month, drinking 5 or more drinks on the same occasion on each of 5 or more days in the past 30 day.”
On her the recent family vacation she was able to have some freedom, her breathalyzer didn’t get a signal in the middle of the ocean. Why does freedom have to include, drugs and alcohol? I remember the family trips we would all take together, we came out of our rooms and we were active. Family trips no longer exists and when they do they end up disastrous.
I thought she was done drinking but honestly I don't know why I though this, she snorts, I’m guessing, from her little informational-slips here and their, anywhere from 8 to 10 Percocet a day. This brings tears to my eyes, I can imagine her pain, the shaking, the burning throughout her body, not being able to stand let alone hold her own neck up. Lethargic, nauseated, annoyed, and then suddenly, with one large, deep inhale and a small tolerable drip stinging down the back of your throat, everything is fixed, everything is numb, including her mind. She wasn’t this bad in the beginning, it was ‘normal’ it really was for the pain. I’m just nervous-thats all, nervous of the outcomes, the drug always wins if you let it and she seems to be surrendering.
She down plays everything, making the problems seem smaller than they are. Except lately, she has become sloppy. I have noticed from watching her and listening to her ramble on about nothing, the pills are winning, her mind is slowly slipping more and more. “The long-term use of increasing amounts of opioids can cause more severe problems and side effects” (PainEDU.org). One of the biggest signs of an addict is, denial, “Warning signs that a friend and family members is abusing drugs; Drug abuser often try to conceal their symptoms and downplay their problem” (Drug, Abuse, and Addictions).
I have been taught, you can’t really believe a person active in addiction. The pills are making her crazy, they are going to kill her, she is against the odds statistically.“Myth 1: Overcoming addiction is a simple matter of willpower… Prolonged exposure to drugs alters the brain in way that result in powerful cravings and a compulsion to use…” (Drugs, Abuse, and Alcohol). She has been shown how to use the tools, she has been given a set of her own tools, but the drugs have such a control over her brain she can't open her toolbox.
There was once a time that I envied her beauty, she won best smile in practically every school year book, she was beautiful Molly. She was hunched over, holding a long thick white cigarette in between her pale-brown-bony, slinky fingers. The end of her long lit cigarette it would become brighter then dim with each toxic inhale of rat poisoning filling the insides of her lungs, with each deep breath-in you could almost see the skeletal structure of her face. On top of her under-slept eyes a black almost-perfect-circle around her left eye. I held back the tears and cleared my throat, I wanted to run and hold her, tell her every thing was going to be okay, but I knew she didn't want that. The scowl in her bloodshot, puffy, squinted eyes, brought fear to my soul. I have never feared her, I have always been the stronger one. I can feel her demon, her burdens, this addiction is heavier than I thought. I pray for her soul to find peace and purpose.
Tammy, an addiction counselor says, “The key to sobriety is finding a purpose in life,” what is your purpose? You have to retrain your mind, you have create new memories to replace to abused ones. Sobriety is the cure to addictions and only you can make the choice to accept the cure or not. You may have not be given the choice to be addict but you are given the opportunity to become sober.
“Some people are able to use recreational or prescription drugs without ever experiencing negative consequences or addiction. For many others, substance use can cause problems at work, home, school, and in relationships, leaving you feeling isolated, helpless, or ashamed” (Drug, Abuse, & Addictions).
Natalie Welch, an addiction specialist, therapist, MD, she gives an amazing power point about addiction and how it is not a choice. She uses the example of twins, how you can have two identical twins raised together or not, they both begin drinking at the same time except one becomes and addict and the other is not affected.
College student, Rebecca, most likely in her earlier twenties, has strong feelings towards addiction because growing up she watched grandpa die due to alcoholism. He didn’t want help. Rebecca’s entire life her mother would tell her and siblings to stay away from alcohol. Rebecca and her siblings haven’t experienced any problems with drugs, alcohol, or addiction because they have made the choice not to drink and or drug.
Is addiction a choice, No, but it is a choice to say ‘yes’ the first experience. Drugs and Alcohol need to come with better warning labels. ‘Caution, everyone reacts and responds to drugs and alcohol differently: you may become addicted.’
Why is sobriety hard and why do people give up? Sobriety is a way of life, my one friend once said, “Sobriety is like a race without a finish line.” I agree, sobriety isn’t something that just happens over night, it takes work, practice, and perseverance. Sobriety not only frees one of addictions but it also helps to develop and strengthen a person, helping that person find a purpose. She doesn’t have a purpose, she has ignored all the signs, has probably ripped up her contingency plan. Living sober is a new step everyday, a new step I am able to take because I have chosen to be sober.
“Scientific advances over the past 20 years have shown that drug addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease that results from the prolonged effects of drugs on the brain” (Leshnee).
Sobriety is a Journey, not a Destination.
Annotated Bibliography
